About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
