last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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