Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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