i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
