fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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