So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
