Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
