I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
