My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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