if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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