her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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