I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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