i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
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