so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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