Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
