I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I can't turn off my feet"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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