you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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