Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
