I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she told me i tasted like america
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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