Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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