White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
