I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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