You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
