sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
