i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
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He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
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The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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