...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
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that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
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