Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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