when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
