You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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