I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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