Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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