It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
