You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
