Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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