Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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