david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
