my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize