please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
