You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
