We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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