Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.