Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
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I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared