If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I need a beard to bite.