I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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