I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
