Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
