just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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