it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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