You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
