I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
