Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Randomize
