Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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