I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
