You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
