I faked an abortion last night.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize