its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
