when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
