My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
