I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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