Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
