Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
