It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
