Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
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