WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
